Some people don’t understand why you just stare blankly at the wall for a long time and they don’t understand why staring at that same wall, can make you feel so ridiculously sad. They don’t understand how easy it is to cry at night and how hard it is to stop yourself from making any noises so that you don’t sound pathetic to yourself.
Some people don’t understand why you press your nails so hard down your wrist and they don’t understand how you thought that using nails instead razors makes you feel a little bit better, makes you feel like you’re a little bit stronger.
Some people don’t understand why, in the middle of the day, in between laughter and while exchanging classes, you suddenly felt so down and that all you want to do is sleep and be alone.
Some people don’t understand how you bite into your pillow when your heart can’t take it anymore, they don’t understand how crying is something you do that physically hurts. Your throat feels like it’s being drowned and your heart feels like it’s being stabbed.
Some people don’t understand how you tell your parents that you’re having a bad cough, so that you can eat those tiny little pills that makes you drowsy within an hour, makes you sleep faster and skip the i-am-the-worst-ever talk you have every night. They don’t understand how hard it is to look at yourself in the mirror, especially after a breakdown, yet to still smile and say
It’s all going to be okay soon, very soon, i promise
And some people don’t understand how easy it is for you to smile and laugh and be all cheerful at school or work or anywhere.
They don’t understand how you wish you don’t exist.
Not die, but just don’t exist.
10 September 2015